Spiritual Journey

My mother had me go to catechism until I went to my first communion, I’m guessing because she made a promise to her parents who were devout Catholics to take me that far at least. My mother never seemed to care about anything religious so it follows in my mind that was the deal she made with her parents. Get the boy to his first communion at least! After that she gave me the choice to continue going to church, or not. Of course, what 8 year old would continue to go to church by choice?

As age and some degree of reason started to develop in me I saw that religious beliefs didn’t stand up to any reason, or logic in the least so I rejected not just Catholicism, but I was more than happy to throw the any and all religious beliefs out the window. And in my mind that equated to spirituality itself, even though I wouldn’t really be able to make a clear distinction between religion and spirituality for years. So out the window with it all! In fact I became so adamant that it was all nonsense that I took it upon myself to learn enough about the major religious/spiritual traditions so that I could have an intelligent enough debate with any believer so as to do them the “favor” of undermining their belief system if I had half of a chance to do so. Not that I think that I ever changed any minds, but I liked the effort and the battle of it all whenever I could. 

One could easily say that my anti-religion/spirituality mind-set was a well-established part of my persona. I believed that my reasoning was sound and well-thought out, making me superior in that regard to anyone who would choose the more ignorant route of believing in what amounted to fairies, elves and Santa Clause to my way of thinking. I want to establish that mind-set because it establishes my thinking in a place that shows that, for me to eventually come to a place of being even open minded to spirituality, much less believing in any of it that meant that I had to break through some serious barriers, not the least of which meant that for me to believe in any of it meant I had to cross over into a contradiction to where I was otherwise being foolish, and even violating a sense of myself if I did. Those kinds of radical changes are quite difficult for people to make.  

The think that the first experience where I had a feeling that I would call spiritual was when I was 18 doing a tour of Paris and went into the Cathedral Notre Dame. I had about the same interest in it as I did the Eiffle Tower or The Louvre, as something I was "supposed" to be interested in. But when I went into the Cathedral there was a shift in my being that I couldn't deny. The best I did with my denial was to conceptualize that what I must be experiencing is some kind of residual energy in the very building that came from the love that went into the construction of it and the worship in there over the years. It took me until very recently that they are probably the exact same thing as feeling the Spirit of the place. That would be an insight that took 45 years for me to have if you're keeping score at home.

So then here’s how that kind of radical change started. It was circa 1994 that I had my first spiritual experience. I was emotionally distraught due to what had become a very long string of betrayals from woman that I had invested myself in emotionally. This string had lasted for years and had occurred an absurd amount of times; perhaps as many as 8 times in a row as I recall over the course of maybe a decade. My strategy for “working through” emotional pain back in those days was to drink as much and as often as I could until the pain was sufficiently buried under the effects of alcohol, self-pity and blame. In this case I took a couple of days off from work prior to the weekend so I had that much time to do what I did. I was living in the mountains outside of Santa Barbara and my drinking included walking around the mountains with my dog at all hours simply wallowing in my emotional pain. In this case that included me replaying how she had told me that she needed time to sort out how she felt about us moving in together and while she was “taking that time” I drove past her house at 2 in the morning one night to see her exes truck in her driveway and all the lights out in her house.

On the second or third day of my alcohol fueled wonderings, not yet drunk from the most recent time I had awakened, I found myself on a hillside facing the setting sun when I felt within me the urge to do a Native American chant. It should be noted that at that point in my life I had yet to embrace any semblance of my Native American ancestry. But the chant came from somewhere very deep and perhaps primitive in me and as I started quietly and a bit self-consciously, even though nobody was around. The sun was setting as my chants got louder and louder, finally belting them out with full-force. My wolf-dog, Cheyenne, reacted at the beginning of the chanting by running around manically, but by the time I was belting out the chants he had settled down next to me and was calmly, which seemed in retrospect counter-intuitive to me since I was now making a racket. Just as the sun set I had what I can only describe as a “knowing” that Spirit, or God, or Universal Consciousness, or something beyond comprehension, exposed itself to me. I use the term “exposed” because, as I have described the event at other times in my life I likened it to the shock a person might have if a flasher exposes themselves.

Some background is worth sharing now; One of the statements that I had made over the years to support the fact that I would “never” believe in God was that I would need to have solid evidence of God and since there was never going to be any such thing as that, then, naturally I will always be an atheist, or, at best an agnostic. It followed, logically. Well, when this experience of the “knowing” happened my initial thought was “Why and how is this happening to ME? Isn’t this kind of thing meant for sages and prophets? That thought was accompanied by a message in my mind that went something like “well, you wanted proof. So here’s your proof.” I accepted that immediately as an answer that made sense in that moment and my next thought was something like “well, since I have you here let me ask you the big question. What does it all mean? Like, what is the purpose of this life and how do we best do it?” Immediately the message that came back into my mind was “The answer to that is…take care of yourself.”

That message came to have layers of significance to me over the years. First of all it isn’t something that my mind would have come up with, so I doubt that it came from my mind. Secondly I didn’t even really understand the depth and significance of it for years. Initially I discounted the whole episode and reasoned it out as some kind of half-cocked imagined half-hallucination due to my mind state at the time. I would tell that story every once in a while over the ensuing years, usually with a beer in one hand and a smoke in the other hand saying “and the message was ‘take care of yourself’….ha….how about that weirdness?” But as the years found me evolving to actually taking care of myself I came to believe, or, more accurately, understand, that since we are all connected that to take care of myself included taking care of others and also taking care of mother earth herself, and that it was indeed a deeply spiritual “commandment” that made total sense as a message that Spirit would say is “the deal”, or “what it’s all about”. And in fact as I type this 20 years later having not taken care of myself for about a half a year now I am in this moment remembering that dictate, which has brought me to want to offer this part of my story here today. Still, as a narrative which I will try to offer in some kind of linear way, I will go back to the story at the time that I received that message to say that I chose to disregard that deep and profound experience as some silly episode of my imagination.

Then, in 1996 I hit the road to play poker. It seemed like such a cool and “romantic” thing to do and it soured very quickly. In fact I have come to understand that feeling of it souring as a spiritual event as well, but at the time all I knew for sure is that I after a couple of years I really didn’t like it and I also felt stuck with it. I couldn’t think of a way out, given my circumstances. In Riverside California there was a woman who I would do meth with and she printed shirts for a living and one day I was at her home and I met her mother who was this very deeply spiritual old German lady. She and I had read some of the same kinds of books and we had all kinds of interesting conversations regarding some of the things that he had learned along the way. We both really enjoyed these conversations. She had herself involved in a multilevel marketing deal that was also a wellness program. It really seemed like a good thing to do and she bought me in. She had rented an office and she wanted me to work there and answer the phones for all of the calls that she believed would be coming in. She was also okay with me basically living there as it had everything I needed to live there temporarily.

When I entered the office for the first time I was amazed by all the books, VHS tapes, and books on tape, etc.. that she had. The office had all of these resources wrapped around 3 walls basically 3 rows high, from the floor to basically the waist, or higher. There were many hundreds of sources of information on many different types of spiritual, religious, self-help, fu-fu, whatever. There were books on alternative thinking, things I was familiar with and things that I’ve never heard of before. And I was into it. I had been reading such things for some time. I had read just about everything from the likes of Wayne Dyer, or Depak Chopra, M. Scott Peck, Titles like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance had been my main diet of information for years. So this, to me, was going to be great! So then, with many hundreds of things to choose from to start my journey in that room the first one I grabbed “for some reason” was a VHS tape off the shelf that was titled simply “Gurus”. I had never listened to Gurus talk before and I guess that’s what appealed to me. As I started watching this there was a man who was most definitely a Guru, with dreadlocks down to his waist as he sat looking about as scraggly as a man might, talking in a cadence that was mesmerizing. Every so often, but also very frequently he would emphasize what he was saying with the sound “emm?” with an upswing of his voice. It seemed both a statement and a question. In any case at one point he offered the now familiar Zen proverb “when the student is ready, the teacher(s) will appear, emm?” At that moment I looked around me and saw that there appeared to me hundreds of teachers, some coming to me over centuries past. I didn’t “feel” ready for all of this, but, then, ready for what I did not know.

The really fun thing about having that amount of knowledge at my fingertips, pre internet, was that a lot of the books would reference other books that were available to me and at any given time anyone coming into the office would find books strewn about the place half opened because the next thing would capture my attention and off I’d go. I was rich with it! Now as I write this I am reflecting on how that felt and now knowing that I have that at my fingertips again with the internet Hmmm… Anyway the journey of knowledge, some of it ancient and unknown to me, some “New Age” became a wedge that began to open my mind to the idea that there are forces at work that are not understandable to the human mind. Certainly I came to embrace the idea that something as vast as “The Creator” of the Universe would not lend itself to being understood to the little and limited human mind that I have. Also a big part of my expansion into this domain came about because a lot of the books that I encountered spoke of meditation so it seemed to me that this was a very important and worthwhile thing to look into, and eventually it became a practice. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Unfortunately the phone in her office never rang and after many weeks it was agreed to be a bust and it was time to move on. Being in that room and feeding my mind with wonderful and new information had been a wonderful respite from playing poker. I went back to that, but only for a brief while. Shortly after going back to the gambling life I hit a four thousand dollar video jackpot at The Pechanga Casino. I took that as a sign and chance for me to have enough money to get to my sister, Joy. I had been telling Joy, who lived in Texas that I would head her way when I could and so know I could. But, even though I didn’t like it I was addicted to gambling so my mind somehow made sense that I may as well hit the Apache casino in, Ruidoso New Mexico on my way. As one might predict I lost almost every penny that I had won and I finally peeled myself out of Ruidoso and eventually made it to my sister place in Texas with not a penny in my pocket and the gas tank reading E for what seemed like an hour.

As I settled into a place of soothing comfort, no longer dealing with the daily uncertainty, in fact the chaos, of day to day, or even moment to moment living on the road my mind went into what I think is best described as shock. I was mindless and not in a good way. As I started to ween myself off of the preceding three years of my previously stated daily uncertainty and chaos, which included pretty much daily use of drugs and/or alcohol I lost all sense of how to do almost anything. It was quite strange. But I have since learned that when the brain comes off of what has previously been its “normal” conditions, even when those conditions are exceedingly unhealthy, having adjusted to those conditions that it can’t function normally for some time as it adjusts to the lack of those things and attempts to come back to anything resembling normal and healthy. At the time I just felt like a full-on idiot.

To set the stage of my circumstances as I tried to get my life together and to explain why I had felt “stuck” playing poker back then it is because I had a fairly extensive arrest record, my work history wasn’t the best, even though I had spent 13 years working with kids who had disabilities I left that job in, shall I say “unfavorable” circumstances. Even my driver’s license was no longer valid. I had no direction in my life, I had no real interests, no education to speak of. Oh I had an a 2 year degree from back in the 80’s in Criminal Justice, but at that point in my life it was next to useless because of my arrest record and other things that don’t need elaboration. This is all germane to my spiritual journey because I continued to practice meditation and stretching my mind as much as I could to now embrace the notion that there existed something outside of me, that was also inside of me, and inside of everything alive, that wanted for me, and all things, to be in harmony with it. I came to believe that It wanted all life to simply be in flow with It and what I needed to do was to let go of my preconceived notions of what I was and what I was “supposed” to do and was “supposed” to be and let it happen…somehow. So I spent a good amount of time in this effort of “meditation” trying to get out of my ego, to get out of my own way, as it were, and to do the will of God…. whatever that was. Day after day back then I would repeat over and over in my mind “Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. What should I do? What do you want? Etc..” And I meant it with all my heart.

Eventually thoughts started to come into my mind that suggested “You should be a counselor. You need to help people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol.” When I would come out of those meditative mind states I would think something like  “Well, that was a silly thought. That would require an education, and since I was 40 miles from the nearest college (having just googled the distance it is exactly 40.4 miles each way from where I was living to the college I was to attend.) with no job, no money for gas, living off of the charity of my sister and mother at 38 years old, not having been matriculated in school since 1982, that wasn’t likely to happen.” I never liked school much anyway and I didn’t see myself wanting to go back even IF I had a chance. There was just no practical way that made any sense. But the thoughts persisted. And as I struggled to understand how this could be at all anything resembling “real” spiritual guidance one day a message popped into my mind that was something like “Look, I created all things. Do you not think I can’t get you into school?” I like to remember it as an admonishment, because if it wasn’t, it kinda should have been. I do remember that the message made a ton of sense. I considered that it didn’t come from me because I wouldn’t have come up with it in a millions hears. And as an answer it made good sense. I embraced that notion that if Creation wanted me to get to school to be a drug and alcohol counselor that somehow, some way it would happen, and went about my life.

One day shortly after that message hit me I saw an advertisement that said “we are training people to be nurses aids. Come to this address on this day to see if you qualify.” I had no better prospects and even though it was all the way in San Antonio, I knew that most work, if I was going to find it, was probably going to be there anyway. So I thought I would take a long shot at it. When I got there I encountered what I assume in retrospect to be a huge social services grant project more than likely intended to keep those who would otherwise end up in the “system” employed instead of in jail or in mental health treatment, since those were some of the qualifiers for the program. They had stations for psychiatry, personality inventories, occupational therapists and other testing to see where one fell on the spectrum of ability to do menial work, as opposed to being too unstable to be trained into the positions offered. At least that was my guess as I reflected on it years later. I qualified under many addiction and mental health criteria at that time. When I got to the occupational therapist who determined what kind of training a participant would do he looked at my AA in criminal justice, my 13 years working with kids with disabilities and said to me “You seem like you have a little bit on the ball. Are you sure you want to wipe people’s asses for a living?” And I said “I am sure that I do NOT want to wipe peoples asses for a living.” He asked “Well, what do you think you’d like to do?” And I said “I’ve been thinking about drug and alcohol counselor.” And he said “Oh, no, that’s college. We aren’t paying for that.” And I said “Ok, fine. You asked.” And he said, “You know what, come back next week and let me see what I can do.”

I went back the next week and he was a bit incredulous as he said “I’m not even sure how this happened but I put this idea up to the board and they said that if you keep your attendance and grades up that they will not only pay for tuition and books but they will provide you with a small gas stipend to get you to and from school and even a meal stipend for one meal a day.” Well, what do you know? I guess if “God”, or “The Universe” or whatever “It” is wanted me to be a drug and alcohol counselor then it will indeed provide an opportunity! And It did!

And eventually I got sober for real, which is to say that as I began my studies I was still drinking beer, having convinced myself that since I had quit everything else that I was essentially sober. But I was still smoking and drinking beer and I really wanted to quit smoking and knew that in order to quit smoking that I would have to quit drinking too. The plan was to quit drinking long enough to get past smoking, however long that might take and then probably enjoy my beers again. Then as months passed and my mind became clearer all the time I found real joy in how well my mind was working. It was so rewarding to have a sharp mind that I wanted to remain sober. Than the more my mind and thoughts became more clear and well-honed and my meditative practices continued, with a deep appreciation and awareness of this gift, frankly this miracle that had been gifted to me, the more I recognized the changes in me and this is when I realized that I had “become Dakota”. This, too, is part of the spiritual journey and will, no doubt, overlap other stories that I have to tell. But it was towards the end of 2001, I would guess, that I started to insist that people address me as this changed being, “Dakota”. 

As I continued to do my daily work which included focusing my thoughts in the direction of turning my life and will over to the care and guidance of God in a meditation that I had timed to 20 minutes every morning and 20 minutes of focused gratitude every evening with almost no exception in the first 6 years of my recovery, the guidance did indeed continue. I was guided to Minnesota where the Dakota lived. I gained knowledge of and practices of Native American spirituality, amount other traditions. I was guided to sweat lodges, of which I have done an estimated 30 or more, which are deeply spiritual experiences. I was guided to further education and ultimately being a psychotherapist. I remember distinctly getting that message to continue to pursue my education from my guidance and being reluctant to follow it because I felt that I had already achieved all I needed by working with addicts and alcoholic where there is a huge component of spirituality. I have helped many dozens of people to find their own way to spirituality that were previously put off to it, as I had been. But the guidance is the guidance and I reluctantly followed it into my master’s degree in counseling psychology and ultimately into my private practice where I have helped hundreds of people, my brothers and sisters, as I have come to understand it, over the years.

Meanwhile I found myself as a drug and alcohol counselor, then a therapist, helping people who had rejected all of spirituality, throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, as I had, who understood that it was probably at least their while to try to develop some kind of connection, perhaps of their own choosing. Since it had been such a long tough struggle for me I thought that I might share some of the concepts that did work for me along the way so I wrote an article on the topic which I published in my therapy website and that I will link up here should anyone want to explore some ways in which you might find your own way to a spiritual connection. I emphasize that I don't know what God is, what It wants, even if there is such a thing. I know that since I "turned my life over to  the care of a Higher Power" that things changed in a big and wonderful way and that's all the "proof" I need.

Here is the link;

http://dakotatherapy.com/overcoming-barriers-to-spiritual-growth.html

And then came Diana. I felt that she was my greatest reward and my biggest challenge of having decided to walk a spiritual path, and I still do. She did everything, whether it was intentional or not, to wipe out my ego. The significant thing was that I had always believed that to be egoless was the ultimate in spiritual advancement so I was always on board, always trying to struggle to be okay with all of those things that she did which I allowed were only hurting me because they were of my ego, which was in conflict with my spirit and she was in my life, at least in part, to help me overcome these things. Somehow all of the pain she would deliver to me because of my thinking that she didn’t care for me enough, or love me correctly, or …. Something …. Was all supposed to be what it was, on purpose, which is to say, with a purpose. Until it took everything out of me…. And I died… or something like that.

Now we are in Italy together closer and more deeply in love than I could have imagined any human being. Oh, she's a challenge alright, but, to the very end I'm going to (try to) remember, it's all "on purpose."